College for Idiots: Advice

So, you had a pet when you were in high school and you feel lonely without. Well, what are you going to do about this situation?

1. Where do you live? If you live in an apartment like most
college kids the bigger dogs are probably not the best choice.
However, if you have them trained well and aren’t going to be
living in that small of a place forever then I guess that could
be okay. Most likely you would probably have to take the dog
on a walk constantly.

2. What kind of animal person are you? Yippy small dogs are evil
and if you buy one I give your friends and neighbors permission
to kill it.

3. Cat People: You like cats, that’s cool I kind of like them too.
Well actually I like my cat. I can annoy the crap out of him
which makes him more fun. Oh, on a positive note cats are
easier to have in apartments because they don’t need as much
room to run around as dogs. They also train easier; and by
train I mean they pee and poop in litter boxes and don’t need
to be taken out. I have yet to figure out if my cat will obey
such commands as sit. However, I am almost positive that even
if he knew what that meant he wouldn’t sit just to spite me.

4. Are you the type of person that wants to dress their pet in
clothes? If you are you are unable to own a pet because you
are a jackass. Unless like me you are doing this because you
think it is funny not because you think it is cute. If you
think putting your dog or cat in an outfit because it would
look absolutely adorable then I hate you. Oh, and if you own
something like a ferret and you want to dress it up you are
disturbed, really disturbed.

5. Do you plan or referring to your pet as your child. If you do
you are not fit to own a pet. You did not birth your pet so do
not tell it to: “come to Mommy” or “Mommy doesn’t like it when
you pee on the rug”.

6. Do you get frustrating when you have to clean up after
yourself? If you so a pet is not probably the best idea
because if you won’t pick up your filth you will definitely not
pick up another animals filth.

7. Owning a stray. Yes, this is very nice. However, here are
some things you must do. Take it to the vet first thing before
you bring it in to your home. Please get it neutered or
spayed. Also as a stray it might have some emotional problems
so beware.

8. Finally, if you like to burn things don’t get a pet. Or if you
admire Michael Vick don’t get a pet.

So, what do you to when you are in college and broke? Well, there are a couple of options . . . some good ones and some not so good ones.

1. Get a loan. Ha, no see what good that does you in ten years when you haven't paid them back and your parents don't love you and won't pay them. Eventually you will become a hobo living in a box whose parents have disowned you. Sounds fun doesn't it? Fuck Stafford Loans drawing you in with their stupid commercials that show happy students. Those students won't be so happy in a few years when the government reposes everything they own and they are sitting in a box smelling of their own feces.

2. Scholarships. Are you a white, protestant, Caucasian male with no disabilities if so you are not getting a scholarship. Are you of average intelligence with parents that make a decent living but still can't really afford for you to go to school. Fuck you, you are getting shit from the government. Unless you live in South Carolina, have above a 3.0 and go to an instate school. Then you automatically get a scholarship. Either that or you need to sleep with someone on the scholarship committee. Cause let's face it $1000 dollars is not going to get you very far.

3. Whoring yourself out. Do you like STD's, possible pregnancies, incriminating photos, then this is the perfect job for you.

4. Cleaning services. I contemplated this, it didn't work. Have you every seen a college apartment. They are gross. Are you a girl? If you so it is not safe to go into strangers apartments and clean for them.

5. Saving money. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Yeah right.

6. Being Architecture major. No, never going to happen. This is more a warning than a way to save money. If you value money at all do not become architecture major or an art major. They will drain you of all your savings and laugh. Then tell you to stay up all night use up all your supplies and go spend another 80 bucks for your next project.

7. Getting a job. This works sometimes. Unless you aren't the best student or just need to concentrate on school. However, a good job to get would be something helping out on campus. Like a person who sits at the desk in the gym. They don't do a lot so you could probably use some of your time doing school work. Being a secretary, I did that for the Dean of Advising. You know what I did at that job nothing. So, this was the perfect time for me to do homework. However, I am architecture major so carrying in a huge cardboard building doesn't work so well.

8. Making your relatives feel so bad they send you money. This is good very good. Relatives are wonderful and an easy way to get money.

9. Riding a bike instead of a car to school. Ha, that's funny just wait till January and we will reevaluate that idea.

10. Stay broke and be useless and lazy. Best idea ever.

1. If you are really confused just go with undeclared when you are applying for college. Don’t just close your eyes and point because then you might end up in something like waster management. If they don’t have exactly what you want don’t pick the major that sounds the most like your first choice. Most likely it is nothing like what you were expecting. For example Language and International Trade is nothing like International Relations. One involves a lot more math than the other; which isn’t good if you hate math with a burning passion.

2. Certain majors involve more work than others. So, if you want to be busy with school work all the time pick something like engineering, architecture, or pre-med. If you would rather be drunk 24 hours a day try something like art or tourism. From what I have seen finance is also an easy major because my friends in it never do homework and drink seven days a week. Horrid bastards.

3. If you are trying to meet your future husband or wife then you are retarded and should have never been accepted to college. However, if this is the case go for a major that is filled almost completely with the opposite sex. Teaching and nursing have a lot of girls and engineering has boys. So good luck being a worthless individual who doesn’t care about having a real career.

4. Realize that certain majors require certain things. Sports management requires you to be an athlete or someone who wants to work for ESPN. Teaching means you don’t feel the need to beat children on a regular basis. Engineering means that you never ever want to see any girls (if you are a guy). Nursing means you won’t mind watching people crap in bed pans. English means you will probably take some kind of hallucinogenic drugs. Unless of course you want to be a teacher then once again you should probably like children. Agriculture means that there is obviously nothing else for you to do. Math means . . . well I don’t know what it means I have never seen a math major out in public before; three years in college and I still haven’t met one.

5. Never ever pick something you hate because it will make you money in the long run. Eventually you will go crazy, stop going to classes, and end up dropping out of college. Then you will be a bum with no money. Maybe you shouldn’t have picked engineering even though you hated math.

6. Certain majors won’t fix your life. If you issues and need to see a psychologist becoming one is not the answer. Crazy people can’t cure themselves; it just isn’t logical. Sucking at math doesn’t mean that by majoring in math you will suddenly become a mathematical genius. Not having patience with children will not come from being an education major. I personally think wanted to be a teacher is meant for some really patient, awesome people who have an innate liking toward kids.

7. I have yet to find a single major that doesn’t involve homework. So, sorry suck it up. At some point you will have to do work no matter how easy your major seems to be at the time.

You see since I have already tried the following things I know that they don’t work. Sometimes they actually work but then they inevitably fall apart.

1. Ten page research pages cannot be finished in one day….actually make that five hours. I would suggest starting your paper at least two weeks before the deadline. However, I do agree that starting it two months before hand is just plan excessive. Somehow I got an A in that English class. I think it had a lot to do with the fact that my teacher didn’t really feel the need to grade a single one of our papers until the week before the grades were due. So, I think what she did was get drunk and give everyone A’s. Unless of course you didn’t show up to enough classes and then she gave you a C.

2. Don’t sign a binding single lease with someone you have known for less than six months, they may actually be a cheap ass lying bum (I’m not bitter). In all seriousness though be careful about your leases. I mean even for the sake of your friends. Make sure that if you or anyone else in the place forgets to pay their bill that it doesn’t affect anyone else. Also wireless internet is awesome because you can ‘borrow’ your neighbors.

3. Pretend it’s not going on. This can work for many situations, whether it is your roommate’s deranged sexual habits or that ex-friend hell bent on ruining your life. They will fail and the more you ignore them the happier you will end up. Sometimes confrontation is not the best answer. (Especially when you are forced to live with this certain person for the next few months.) Honestly what you need to do is do whatever you feel is right. Your feelings usually are the best indicator of what you need to do. Second guessing is something hard to overcome but don’t always listen to that little annoying voice in the back of your head. Everything works out for the best in the end; I am a strong believer in that.

4. If someone can’t pick up their dogs shit they probably can take care of themselves. This isn’t really anything super important but it’s just a little interesting fact to keep in mind about your potential roommates.

5. Beware of doing your laundry. Cold is the best option for clothes because well then there is less chance of the different colors blending. I personally use the cold setting and separate by color because some reason my colors still seem to get on each other. I think I am just plain cursed when it comes to laundry. Who really knows, but it’s best not to mix colors.

I have had my fair share of attempted jobs. Actual jobs I have only had three total. Well, technically I have had five but two of them don’t count.

The thing is only one of the jobs I have had ended well and the other I currently still have so it is going just fine. The other job I quit. Why, because they were absolutely horrible. Some might say I was naïve, whatever. At least I can now spread my knowledge on to others.

1. Tutor. You should only be a tutor if you like children. If you don’t like children and hate math with a burning passion you should probably not tutor children, with learning disorders, in math. Also I was working at an Asian run tutoring firm through the recommendations of my friend who worked there that was also Asian. Apparently my boss did not understand why a white, Italian girl was working there but she needed help so she took me. However, things got a little confusing when she constantly spoke and gave directions in Korean.

I had officially been working there for three hours (one days work total) when I decided to quit. I got home that day and came to the conclusion that one I did not fit in there, two no child should learn math from me, three that it was sort of sketchy that I was not required to fill out tax forms, and four it was really really hard to teach an eight year old math (especially an eight year who screamed bitch at you every couple minutes). That was my first job. So far I was off to a good start.

2. Working in a mall food court at Auntie Anne’s Pretzels. For those of you who don’t know what Auntie Anne’s is it is a pretzel kiosk that appears in malls and the idea was created by an Amish woman. First things first, I liked this job a lot because I worked with nice people and so I stayed there for three years. However, this job had its issues. Do not work in a food court if you do not like people, really stupid people. Also do not work in a food court, in a kiosk, that is positioned next to a play pen. The children in the pen will scream because their parents have left them in there unsupervised even though the huge sign at the entrance says they cannot do that.

The worst part is if the food court happens to have amazing acoustics and there is a play pen with screaming children you may murder someone. Why, because you won’t be able to taking the echoing, screaming children and you will at several points during the day want to kill them. Oh, and even though the customer is supposedly always right they aren’t. Ninety-nine percent of the time they are wrong, very very wrong. For example: Customer: “You burnt my pretzel” Me: “No those are raisins, you ordered a raisin pretzel.” Customer: “Screw you!”

3. Nanny. Okay so maybe being a nanny isn’t really a bad job. However, the people I worked for made it a bad job. One: do not work for people who think their child is allergic to everything. That is right they think he is allergic they don’t have any actual medical proof that he is, but either way you have to walk around with a briefcase filled with Epi-pens. Never ever work for someone who’s seven year old can not wipe his own ass.

Do not work for someone is richer than Donald Trump but never pays you and won’t pay you the correct amount. Yet for some reason they give each of their children $100 in cash to spend everyday. Do not work for someone who forces you to walk their dog even though the dog has bitten you several times. Do not work for someone who sleeps in the same bed as their seven year old child and not their husband.

4. Waitress. Being a waitress is not at all a bad job if you work at a reputable place that makes money. If you never have to fill out tax forms than you are not technically working for anybody. This means if you get injured on the job than you won’t get workers comp. and you can under no circumstances sue your boss, because well there is no legal proof that you worked there. If your place of employment writes your personal checks for twenty-seven dollars and those checks bounce. If the water and air are shut off because your boss ‘forgot’ to pay them.

If you are forced to work past when the kitchen closes because the bartender doesn’t want to put ice in people’s drinks even though you are under 21 and should not be serving alcohol. Also it was apparently too hard for the bartender to turn the televisions off at night because he was one: too wasted or two: to hopped up on cocaine to do so and he wanted you around so he could stare at something attractive. These are all signs of a bad work environment.

The first few weeks of school I unknowingly compiled a list a few things that are best to avoid when you first enter college. It took me several months and a bout of depression to finally figure out what I needed to know.

1. Overflow housing blows. Live in a dorm room at all costs your first semester. I know there are horror stories but not many. You do not have to be best friends with your roommate and sometimes it is better if you aren’t. However, living in a dorm room provides you with the full college experience. Tour groups don’t come into your apartment but they do come into your dorm room. This allows you to stand in the doorway and watch as parents are forced to step over the half clothed,
passed out girl who locked herself out of her bedroom. Or maybe the guy who is still drunk at 10 in the morning and peeing in the hallway.

2. Guys do not fix everything. Now I know this one is a shocker. Even the nicest guy can tell you fifty times that you are pretty but until you believe it yourself it will never work.

3. Always embarrass you orientation ambassador when you see them in public, drunk, it is just plan fun.

4. Always steal toilet paper, lunch trays, cups, bagels, fruit, etc. from the dining halls. You or your parents are paying for the crap food you might as well use the dining hall to its fullest.

5. Green poop does not mean you are dying. It just means the dining hall food is really bad and probably contains some sort of laxatives.

6. Slip and slides in your dorm room hallways are great until the cops come discover everyone is drunk. Then they give you and everyone else a Minor in Possession ticket. That then means, one: you must go to court and have it appear on your record or, two: take an AA class and still go to court.

7. The Campus Parking Cops are complete and utter bitches. They will make your life miserable. They will give you multiple tickets in one day. Befriending them and bringing them cookies may just offend them so beware.

8. People will steal or throw away your laundry if you do not remove it from the communal machines fast enough. Yes, in an all girl’s dorm someone stole my sports bra, a pair of underwear, and several of my white socks. I really hope that person doesn’t sleep with my delicates now, that would just be plain creepy. I sort of wish I had crabs and gave it to whoever stole my underwear. Too bad maybe one day I will be lucky enough to give someone crabs.
College really is fun trust me.